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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Don’t believe everything you think.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.