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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.