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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...