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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.