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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like