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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.