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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.