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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Condoms prevent minivans.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!