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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.