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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.