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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.