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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Please do not read this.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.