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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Mondays are middle finger approved
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.