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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.