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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Never squat with your spurs on
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.