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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.