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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone