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All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.