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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.