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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.