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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...