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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?