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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!