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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.