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Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.