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At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
How Big is Infinity?
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject