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Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
he who laughs last thinks slow
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.