Daily Silly Status

My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.

Please don`t hastag out loud...

I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.

Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END

75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.

For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!

Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.

If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.

Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.

Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.