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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?