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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.