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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!