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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
You can`t be late until you show up
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.