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They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.