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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.