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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.