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I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
I drink because people talk.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.