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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.