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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.