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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...