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The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned