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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
So much to do and so few alibis.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.