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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.