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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?