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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
The problem with diets is pizza.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.