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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Don`t waste my timeline.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!