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They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.