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The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.