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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?