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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.