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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.