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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.