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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.