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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.