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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.