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I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”