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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”