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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.