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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.