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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone