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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever