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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.