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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.