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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.