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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.