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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."