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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.