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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.