Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.