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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
It takes balls to be a man.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out